Warning: don't read this

When I laid in bed last night, I had trouble falling asleep. My mind began to wander, and it landed on all things, the subject of him. And the more I thought about him, I began to cry. It's been a long time since he made me cry. But cry I did, just as used to before - at night, in the dark. In my bed with the covers tucked under my chin. My pillow soaked through and through. And I had to put my Ipod on to stop the tears.

I don't miss him. And I don't miss what we had. But I do miss the person that I was. Quite a bit.

What I miss most about that person is how she used to be able to tell people what she thought of them.

And that's what I'm going to do right now. Because I'm incredibly sick and tired of this.

I'm tired of hearing you bitch about how when you come home from work, all you do is more work. I know that we offer to help you. And you know what you do? You turn down the offers. So you have two options - either do the work yourself and quit complaining about it or let us help you. It can't go down both roads, where you do things your way and then bitch about how no one will help you. That's crap. And also, I'm tired of you not understanding that I'm an adult now. I have my own life and with that comes my own obligations - you don't control me anymore. Stop agreeing with me that I need to lose weight and then forcing more food onto my plate. Stop asking me what is happening in my doctor's appointments and then butting in with your own clinical advice. Stop telling me what the definition of "clean" is for my room. Stop asking me how much money I'm spending. Stop asking me when every exam is and how I did on each and every one. Stop asking me who everyone is and where I'm going. I'm tired of it. It's getting real old real fast.

I'm fed up that whenever we fight - as rare as it is - that you never come after me to talk to me. It's always me having to IM you first. Or call you first. Or talk first. That's crap. You're equally at fault if not more at fault, and it's not fair at all. You make me feel like such a baby, having to crawl back to everything. It's like you don't even give a damn that I'm upset; to me, it comes across that what we argued about isn't important, nor are my feelings, nor am I. And it also seems like it doesn't really upset you either. You just blow it off to one of my "moods" or whatever you'd like to call it. Let me tell you something. It's not moodiness. I'm seriously upset. I'm tired of you always complaining how we're boring when you come to visit me - I have enough going on without having to worry about how to entertain you when you're around. And most importantly, I'm tired of having to tell you all of this over and over again without you getting it. You're not stupid. You get it. So do something about it.

I'm tired of the fact that you never call me back. I've called you over and over again, and for whatever reason, you just don't call me back. And it's funny the first couple of times, but now it's plain hurtful. Is my friendship of no value to you anymore? It's so retarded that we live in the same area now and I still barely see you. The one time we've actually hung out this year is the time I initiated it. Seriously, I feel like crap. And maybe you think that's childish of me, but it matters to me that you rarely keep in touch anymore. And you know what else? Sometimes when you joke around, it's not funny. It's downright mean. I've been incredibly offended by some of the stuff you say. The only time you say stuff that's nice is when you're tipsy. And I feel like a total bitch right now for saying this, but I'm in an incredibly bad mood right now and it's all coming out, what's bothering me.

I'm tired of being advising me to go take care of my migraines. Holy shit! That's incredibly brilliant! I should of thought of that YEARS ago! Morons. Do you think I enjoy being like this? Don't you think that I've been trying to get rid of them? So fuck you. I'm not stupid, and I know that if I have a problem with migraines, I need to take care of it. And that's what I'm doing. Just because it's slow progress and you don't see what I'm doing doesn't mean that I'm not doing anything for them.

I'm tired of being late all of the time.

And I've run out of steam right now.