And another one bites the dust

My ring was on the dresser, as I suspected. My finger feels whole again.

When Corey and Shawn were younger, things were better for 'em.

And I'm getting out of here as soon as I can.

Last night, I did something out of the ordinary for myself. I packed in a record time of five minutes and jumped into my car. Within a half hour, I was on Wacker Drive.

And I didn't even speed!

Okay, maybe a little. But I was still going slower than everyone else! Shut up.

Anyway. Like I was saying. Remember how my last blog entry was about how I realized what was making me so unhappy? I've felt better since I figured it out and got it off my chest. And then suddenly, while driving to class this morning, I had another realization. No! I want to use big words, so I'm gonna call it an ephiphany.

I don't want to live here anymore.

And I love Chicago.

Okay, so that's TWO ephiphanies, sue me!

It's not medical school that sucks. It's Downers Grove that does. This campus puts you into culture shock, especially since you're transitioning from the Quad to this dinky place. There are only a few things I like about living here:

1. When you study at the desks that face the windows in the library, you can see the trees and all the pretty colors of leaves. Of course, that'll be gone by the time I start studying there more consistently. But then there will be snow. And that's pretty to see too.

2. It's like, a four minute walk from the door of my room into the lecture hall where I have classes. Come to think of it, it's a four minute walk from the door of my room to any corner of campus. That is nothing to complain about after standing at the bus stop waiting for the 22 and then finding out it's late and then your butt falls off your body because you're SO DAMN COLD.

3. I can come home to eat lunch. Like you stroll on it, have yourself some normal food - or in my case, insanely fobby food that even my mother teases me about - and you watch some silly tv shows and then you leave again. I dunno. It makes me feel good and healthy, you see?

4. Um . . . there really isn't anything else. Yeah.

And it's so BORING here. Like, fo real - what is there to do around here? Yeah, there's a lot of your run-of-the-mill restaurants around here, but nigga please - I grew up with my parents and my mama. There is no way on earth I would be happy eating at all of these chain restaurants. I miss eating at places where that restaurant was the only one of its kind and it managed to be better than any other place ever created. And you know what? You can get that in Champaign, especially Chinese. Good lord, do I miss the Chinese food there.

And on top of that, after a certain time, this place just dies. It's like you could die walking to the library, and no one would find you until the next morning when they're trampling your body going to class. Okay, that's a little gruesome and extreme and completely unrealistic, but poo, it's my blog and it's Halloween. I can say shit like that, yo. But for real! It's totally empty and I absolutely hate it.

And you know, I commented on that in my last blog - one of the reasons I'm so lonely is that I became so accustomed to the undergraduate lifestyle, where there's this constant pulsation of life. And that doesn't exist here.

But it does exist in the city. Good lord, does it ever.

The city is beautiful at night. All of those lights that shine. They're so purty. I know some people detest the way the city looks - all the high rise buildings, the architechture, so on and so forth . . . but I gotta say, it's such a part of the culture, and if it wasn't the way it was, it wouldn't be Chicago. You know? I like how when you walk down the street or drive, you can look up into the sky and see all those buildings towering into the sky. I dunno how else to explain it.

And the city is beautiful in the morning too, but in a whole different way. I woke up and I could still see the sun streaming in, reflecting off of all the windows. And when I made it outside, everyone was hustling. But for once, it's not a stream of students all going to the same building. Instead, it's individuals - each with their own agenda, each with their histories and lives, and they're all running together but to separate goals. And I liked watching them. There's that man getting off the train, and he's in a suit and he's got a briefcase, and I got to wondering what he does with his life. Then I got distracted by the woman that pulled into the parking garage with a Mercedes SUV (sucks to be her. Can you imagine how much she pays in the gas when she's got an SUV and drives in the city? Damn!) and she's wearing sunglasses. Lady, it's thirty something degrees out. You don't look cool with those on.

But you know what I mean? I absolutely did not want to leave this morning. And for all of my friends that currently read this and may come to read this in the future, you should know that I'm insanely jealous of you. I'm the only one that's stuck in this lifestyle, chained to a desk reading, dreaming of living something cooler. And the rest of you are either already doing that or one step away! You're interviewing for jobs that allow you you to be in this environment or you're in the process of looking for a place that lets you live in the center of this pulse or you've already got both of those things, damnit.

I'm not saying that none of you don't deserve that. All I'm saying is that I want it too. Since I was a kid, I dreamt of going to medical school in the city - it was my time to say that I'm young, intelligent, and independent and all life is about at this life is to work hard and play harder. I don't regret taking the DO route - clinically, it's so great that I wouldn't trade it in for the world. But deep down, part of me wishes I was at an MD school, because every last one of them is in the city.

I miss Champaign, but truth be told, more and more of me feels like I'm starting to grow up. And signs of that are everywhere. Bhajya uncle commented how mature and responsible I suddenly looked; all you have to do is log onto Facebook and see that people are no longer posting pictures of a night out at the bar but rather, of showers and weddings; recently, nights spent watching your favorite TV show with your best friend sound like they'd make you happy. And the reason I bring this up is because I feel like even though I miss Champaign, I've outgrown some aspects of it. What I miss about Champaign is what I could get in the city.

And so rises the question - where will I live this summer? And next year? And during rotations?

Suddenly, commuting is starting to sound like an incredibly attractive option.

Of course, I could just be emotional right now for feminine reasons *ahem* and this could be a passing fancy.

But deep down, I think I know that it's not. I have to get out of here.

Things have always been centered around money. It's one of the biggest reasons I'm living on campus. The dorms come out to be about under $600 a month; I have plenty of room here; it's convenient to get to class; not to mention I can pick up food at home once a week and minimize meal plans and the cost of gas. But you know what? I'm not HAPPY here. All that's running through my head right now is how when I'm doing posting this, I'm going to jump in my car and leave. I don't know where I'm going yet, but I'm getting the hell out of here for the rest of the day.

If you got this far, thanks man! I know my posts get long, but truth is while some of my writing style is for an audience, the actual act of writing is for me to feel good. So . . . sorry man. God, I'm playing the man game by myself. This is sad.

Kavi out . . . I stole it again!!

A breakthrough. Finally.

I think I've finally got it. And I'm chill enough to write it. Let's see how well I organize it.

I have this class called History of Medicine. It's a joke and it's garbage. The grade is pass/fail and dependent soley on a paper we write. No attendance for class, no quizzes, no exams - just a paper that someone may or may not read, but in case the bigshot does read it, it has to be decent.

I finished the research already, and I started writing it. Before I started writing, I color coded my notes and set up the order in which I would discuss my topic. The introduction was blue, the education was green, the Civil War was yellow . . . it just made sense to go through all the material once so it would be easier to write everything up. And it worked! I wrote up a page, handwritten, in about 25 minutes. Not bad.

And I wish this post could be like that. Where all the pieces fall together and make sense, where it flows harmoniously. Unfortunately, my life is more like that paper you throw together the night before, exactly what I'm trying to avoid to do. You have all these details, but they're all scattered about, and all you're doing is frantically trying to put them together in a way that makes sense, but no matter how hard you try, you end up exhausted and the product is a disaster.

That's a horrible way to think of your life.

I've been searching and searching, and I finally discovered why I've been so unhappy. Ready?

*drumroll*

I'm lonely.

That's profound. I'm here in Downers Grove, and I hate it. HATE IT. I thought coming to medical school would be this whole new phase in life where I would be so content, but I'm so far from that, it's not even funny.

I never thought I would say it, due to so many people ruining my senior year. But I miss undergrad so much that it hurts some time. I really do. I miss having an apartment, where your bed is big! Where more than one person can fit in it as opposed to smooshing together so you don't fall off. I miss having a couch where you can take naps. I miss my kitchen - good lord, I miss my kitchen. I miss the big bathtub. I miss the ability to walk across a few feet of floor and find someone to talk to, even if you were interrupting something important.

I miss running upstairs to get things that I forgot to pick up at Meijer. I miss through the alley to borrow a pair of earrings. I miss running across the street to find someone that could make me laugh when I thought I'd never stop crying. I miss the 22 that would take me to the Quad. I miss cutting through Loomis to warm up my hands before I continued walking to the Union.

I miss the crispy tofu, and I miss my crispy tofu girls. I miss the Taco Bell runs. I miss that no matter what time the clock said, there was something open. I miss the late nights at Lincoln Hall, yelling counts. I miss the gas prices. Even though they're dropping here, I know in the back of my mind that it's cheaper in Champaign.

I hate this new lifestyle, where you're up early in the morning and when you come home, there isn't time to breathe. It's straight to chaining yourself until night falls, and then you do the routine all over again. I miss my 10 am classes where I'd come home by 2 pm and have a chance to eat something that I cooked, have a chance to check my email and respond immediately, have a chance to get a lot of reading done - all at once!

But the thing I miss the MOST about undergrad? There's this constant pulsation of life. You know that no matter what is going on, what day it is, what time it is - there's always someone there. Someone's awake. Sometimes, the bells ring here at school, and it reminds me of the nights I'd lay in bed and smile to myself when I could hear the Altgeld bells. It was a time when falling asleep was so easy and felt so good. And now when I hear the bells? I just feel empty. Like something's missing.

Have you ever felt that you're a dot on a really big piece of paper? Someone could just walk by and brush you off and no one would really notice. I mean, the person with OCD would see that the paper got a little neater, but otherwise, no one really cares. That's how I feel about me, my life. I'm just a blip on the page, and if I was gone, no one would really take note of it.

Okay, now, don't start thinking I'm suicidal or anything, because I'm not. And I know really deep down that it's not true. I know that my mom thinks of me every day, and my sister misses me a lot. Tonight, when I called, she immediately asked if something was wrong. She could tell that something was a little off. I know that my mama takes a lot of pride in me, more than I ever realized, and I know my kiddies really love me when the rare chance comes for me to spend time with them. Maybe there's more people too - I can think of a few additional.

But sometimes, all you need is that hug and someone telling you that they needed you. Or an email showing that your wake up calls are appreciated. Or a phone call telling you that you're loved and missed. I don't know if I'm needy or that this is just a hard adjustment period, but I feel as though I need them more than I ever have.

Ever since I was in high school, I always had this need to keep a bravado up. I didn't cry in front of anyone, and the few times I did, I would my face so you couldn't really see me. If I fought with my parents, I pretended everything was fine. Keep smiling, and if anyone asks, tell them everything's good. I've been doing this for years now, and it's really starting to tear me up inside. It's come to a point now that even when a slight thing is wrong, I don't say anything. It's better to pretend that everything's well and dandy than admit that there's something going on. Because I'm strong, right? I don't need anyone. I should be able to take care of myself, and I will take care of myself. Independence. That's what it's all about.

But I'm starting to think that I can't do this anymore. I need to be around the people I love more often than I can right now. I need someone to tell me that I matter to them. It's the first time that I've actually came out and said it. But now I'm at a loss. I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to bring the party down when we're all having a good time. What do I do now - tell everyone, drop everything, because I could sure use some good ol' fashioned TLC? Where is the line between being selfless and selfish?

I don't even know where to go from here - the tears are flowing and my head is aching, but they say that can be therapeutic. Maybe what I need is to be totally exhausted, emotionally. Anne said that it was soothing, and I love her. Always have and always will - she's a big source of comfort to me.

I'm so lost. I wish I could be found.

Ha, maybe I need to accept Jesus in my life. :-P

I don't know what to do anymore.

The dean and I were talking, and I was commenting on how intimidating it is to be around my classmates so much of the time. They all come to class on time, even if they're driving from a bazillion miles away, whereas I roll out of bed and am there in five minutes. They're all set to go, with their cups of coffee and multiple colors of highlighter, something I told myself I wouldn't fall to but I have. They just seem so put together and confident. It's frightening. But she told me that don't believe all that you see.

I know there isn't anyone that completely happy. You may have achieved great things in your life - being the first in your family to graduate from college, supporting everyone in the extended family, but you end up sitting at home everyday by yourself with nothing to do. You may have been getting good grades all this time but still panic when there's a quiz coming up. You might be really well behaved but no one really pays attention to you because your sister demands it. You might be living in the city with a good job but have to take lame standardized tests and fill out boring applications with your profession on the line. You might have enough money to buy a BMW but your parents drive you up the wall about petty details and superhero abilities that you don't have.

But I remember a time where I was very happy. Very content. And I'm wondering what I can do to get it back.

I got so lonely tonight that the idea of calling Yaveen passed through my mind. Yaveen. That's right. It was a passing fancy. But the fact that it even crossed my thoughts shows how isolated I feel.

The patient's subjective point of view has been presented. Upon an objective examination, we have made an assessment. The diagnosis of loneliness has been made.

But now what?

What can you prescribe for me?

I'm talking to Monkey Ulysses S Grant. And I did something out of character. When she asked how medical school was, I told her I was unhappy. And she told me I could do it. It feels weird to do this. To actually reach out and talk to someone as opposed to waiting to be spoken to; to tell someone and receive pity. Some parts of it I don't like.

But maybe trying something new, something that I usually don't do, is what the doctor ordered.

I've gotten a lot off my chest, but I still have much on my mind. Look at how long this has gotten.

One time, I spilled everything to Shady Bubbles. In response, his comment was:

"How do you fit all that in your head? I can't even get my Arabic homework done."

So now what?

I'm exhausted.

Maybe this is what I needed.

For now. And until next time . . .

Kavi out.