Um. I dunno?

I'm not quite sure why I'm posting right now. I don't really think I have much to talk about. But I'm at work right now, proctoring an exam - and while I probably should be studying for my upcoming anatomy exam, I'm so sleepy. I guess I'm blogging to stay awake. I have the oddest sense of deja vú right now - I remember in my last blog, I started a post very similar to the way I'm starting this one.

Last night, I had some family time, and I didn't expect it to feel so good, but it did. I know that's an odd thing to say. But maybe I just needed some of that cozy time to feel less isolated and such; it did wonders for me. I was able to come back and do laundry and clean and be productive, not to mention the fact that I was able to wake up on time. That in itself is a miracle.

It's funny that now that I have my own space, I really enjoy spending time with my sister. Before, she would follow me around every moment of the day, and me being as independent as I am, it would just drive me up the wall. But we chat pretty often during the week over the phone - I'll help her with homework or get filled in on the juiciness of 6th grade gossip. Ah, the good ol' days. It's kind of fun to listen to her jabber on and on, and sometimes, she just says THE most ridiculous things. Often, I look at her and wish I could be that laid back, that I used to be that laid back. Hopefully, that'll come back to me in due time. She just takes life in stride - nothing really gets to her. We caught up in the car last night, and all throughout dinner, we were whispering back and forth. I remember Yaveen and my dad talking one time, and Yaveen mentioned how he wasn't close to Deepak and my dad telling him how he was missing out on something big time. It's one of the big things I didn't like about him - what a lack of family orientation he had. And the fact that he wasn't even willing to look at it from a different angle or give him a shot. Sure, siblings have their differences and falling outs sometimes, but god, you can't be that stubborn and expect to have any sort of healthy relationship with anyone. I don't think I've ever really said it, but I love the fact that Aashay and Radhika get along so well. It's just . . . well, it's hard to describe, but that sort of relationship just gives you a cozy feeling, you know?

I saw my kaki last night - we found out over Winter Break last year that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Even though I know my family has some beef with her, I can't say I mind her too much. I didn't watch too carefully yesterday, but I was thinking about even though she had chemotherapy - she's wearing a wig - she seems fairly upbeat and active. I mean, she cooked dinner for quite a brood yesterday, and it was pretty good. She seems to have a fairly optimistic attitude. It's such a striking difference from my masi. She was so down all the time and frustrated with being sick. Not that I blame her. With the migraines I used to have so constantly, not to mention the random ones that still slam from time to time, I can relate. But sometimes I wonder that if she had a more go-get-'em attitude maybe she would have made it longer. I feel awful saying that. I mean, I've noticed this tendency for people to avoid speaking ill of those that have passed away, but it's something to keep in mind. Statistics say that you're more likely to beat cancer with a positive attitude, which makes sense. Then again, I remember hearing that when they actually diagnosed my masi with cancer, she was already in the third stage, meaning there was a near zero chance that they could turn it around. My poor masa. Two of his kids are doctors, and they understood very clearly what the diagnosis meant from the get go; they never told him though. He found out a week or so before she actually died that she had no chance of making it, from another doctor nonetheless. When she died, I didn't cry for her - she pushed as long as she could in the hospital to make sure she saw everyone important to her before she left. My younger mama was the last one to make it to the hospital, and she smiled and recognized him before she slipped into a coma. I was glad when she did die, because she was just so miserable and in so much pain. But I hate the idea of my masa being alone. He has this huge house and it's just him and his youngest son, who doesn't talk very much. My masi was the kind of woman that could NOT shut up if her life depended on it - she reminded me of a bird; it just seemed like she would flutter about constantly, always doing something.

Anyway. I digress. I think the point of that rambling was to have a positive attitude. Wow, I could have said that in a lot shorter way. :-P

I saw my kiddies last night. Justin was his chill self, as usual; Sonia was her cute yet demanding self, as usual. I felt bad though - I know she was looking forward to spending time with me, and I really didn't get the chance to play with her as much as either of us wanted to. I ate with the adults (good God, I AM an adult - how scary), and then afterwards, Nikita and I were going through old photo albums that my kaka has. Being so much younger, Nikita missed out on all the family goodness that used to go around when I was growing up; we went through some wedding albums and I showed her who everyone is. My mom called me upstairs - turns out my mota masi - she's my mom's older sister that I met for the first time last night - had brought all these old pictures and we had SO much fun going through them. There were pictures of my mom being all mad as a kid, some others of my younger mama in a diaper. Let me tell you, the kids had a FIELD day with that one! Then some of my older mama in bell bottoms. Ha, I made fun of him for that. It was just cool, you know? Seeing how us kids actually looked like our parents; seeing how some of the adults had the same features and mannerisms that continued from their childhood to the present day.

Hash, for not having anything to talk about it, I wrote a lot. Oops. I do that sometimes.

Alright, the timer is about to go off. So off I go!

Popular?

I'll admit that I've got an addiction. I compulsively check away messages.

Okay, so that's not a big shock, right? I mean, anyone that spends any amount of AIM will admit to the same. You just scroll up and down and check random people's away messages; when you're REALLY bored, you end up looking at everyone's.

I took a look at Sudheer's today, and here's what it said:

let's face it...life is one big popularity contest...

and in today's Class of 2010 elections for class officers, i totally won that contest

life is good.

And the first thing that came to my mind was . . .

how pathetic.

Okay, maybe that's a bit mean. I remember wanting to be popular more than anything. All of the girls in my class shopped at the Gap. Please. I'm brooju (for those of you that don't know what that means, it's shorthand for "broke guju"). No one in my house even knew what the Gap WAS, for God's sakes. But I mentioned it to my mom so many times that when we passed it one day, she agreed to take my in to browse. I remember wandering the store and thinking to myself, these clothes aren't anything special. And when my mother looked at the pricetags, she promptly dragged my ass right out of the store. Even now, when I actually like the Gap (hey, their clothes fit!), I only shop there when my aunt has given my sister and me a ton of giftcards and I used them all up at once. Because I'm not REALLY paying for it, you see. Shut up.

But it was always something like that. A certain TV show or band, a particular pair of jeans or hairstyle, an extracurricular. But that was back in junior high, for God's sakes. I mean, we're all so much older now. Everyone I know is about to embark into the professional world, where you wear business suits and eat boring breakfast cereal. I didn't think that sort of thing mattered anymore. And let's face it - medical school classes are decently large. To get to know everyone in your class, it would take a good amount of time. I mean, it took me years to know who was in junior high class, and even now, I probably know 10% of my graduating high school class. Don't even get me started on undergrad. How can that be considered a popularity contest when people don't even KNOW you? Seriously - I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he created for himself a reputation of being "extremely smart and social". Please.

Would it feel good if a lot of my class knew me simply because my name had been dropped so often and they elected me into a position such as class officer? Sure, I suppose it'd make me feel good for a day or so. But I'd rather be known for who I really am rather than this facade I have or an impression that people have of me. I'd like to be known for the intelligence I possess without arrogance (ahem), for being genuinely caring and honest, so on and so forth. And on top of all of that, I don't think that popularity would satisfy me in the least. My life wouldn't mean anything without the people that are closest to me. Take me and Sruth, for instance. Granted, I consider it a bit unusual how as the years have gone on, we've just gotten meaner to one another, but there isn't anyone that just READS my mind that way she does and vice versa. She's able to say what I think before it comes out of my mouth. How many people are lucky enough to have that? Or go with Kapoori. How many people can give me a hug and make it all better, and then tops it off with some sort of food? Seriously. If you want to gain weight, all you gotta do is hang out with the guy, because food is just absolutely necessary for socialization. But if you want someone just to make you feel better simply by sitting next to you, he's your man. I've got my girls - RT, Irene, Ritu, and now Bijal - that when things go down, they'll knock on your door with Chinese or pizza and just bash on whoever is being mean to you. And don't even get me started on Aashay - is it possible for someone to make you laugh when you're crying harder than you thought was possible? Did you know that someone could care about you that deeply while allowing you to be independent; did you know that someone could be that sweet to you without feeling the need to gag? Did you know that someone could support you and root for you the whole time you felt like you weren't going to make it, and when you do, they cheer with you?

I told you not to get me started - now I'm getting all sappy, and YES, I'm crying as I write this - Sruth, if you make fun of me for that, I swear to God, I'll whoop your ass. I only cry over dream engagements, aite?

But I digress. The point is, each of these relationships possess some sort of depth, and I love each and every one of them for how unique and open they are, for the fun that we all share, and such business. I have to say - as more and more times passes, the less and less I can fathom liking Sudheer, and even though he was an ASS when he dumped me, I have a lot of pity for the man - if your satisfaction has to come from winning popularity contests, your life must be . . . sad.