A breakthrough. Finally.
I think I've finally got it. And I'm chill enough to write it. Let's see how well I organize it.
I have this class called History of Medicine. It's a joke and it's garbage. The grade is pass/fail and dependent soley on a paper we write. No attendance for class, no quizzes, no exams - just a paper that someone may or may not read, but in case the bigshot does read it, it has to be decent.
I finished the research already, and I started writing it. Before I started writing, I color coded my notes and set up the order in which I would discuss my topic. The introduction was blue, the education was green, the Civil War was yellow . . . it just made sense to go through all the material once so it would be easier to write everything up. And it worked! I wrote up a page, handwritten, in about 25 minutes. Not bad.
And I wish this post could be like that. Where all the pieces fall together and make sense, where it flows harmoniously. Unfortunately, my life is more like that paper you throw together the night before, exactly what I'm trying to avoid to do. You have all these details, but they're all scattered about, and all you're doing is frantically trying to put them together in a way that makes sense, but no matter how hard you try, you end up exhausted and the product is a disaster.
That's a horrible way to think of your life.
I've been searching and searching, and I finally discovered why I've been so unhappy. Ready?
*drumroll*
I'm lonely.
That's profound. I'm here in Downers Grove, and I hate it. HATE IT. I thought coming to medical school would be this whole new phase in life where I would be so content, but I'm so far from that, it's not even funny.
I never thought I would say it, due to so many people ruining my senior year. But I miss undergrad so much that it hurts some time. I really do. I miss having an apartment, where your bed is big! Where more than one person can fit in it as opposed to smooshing together so you don't fall off. I miss having a couch where you can take naps. I miss my kitchen - good lord, I miss my kitchen. I miss the big bathtub. I miss the ability to walk across a few feet of floor and find someone to talk to, even if you were interrupting something important.
I miss running upstairs to get things that I forgot to pick up at Meijer. I miss through the alley to borrow a pair of earrings. I miss running across the street to find someone that could make me laugh when I thought I'd never stop crying. I miss the 22 that would take me to the Quad. I miss cutting through Loomis to warm up my hands before I continued walking to the Union.
I miss the crispy tofu, and I miss my crispy tofu girls. I miss the Taco Bell runs. I miss that no matter what time the clock said, there was something open. I miss the late nights at Lincoln Hall, yelling counts. I miss the gas prices. Even though they're dropping here, I know in the back of my mind that it's cheaper in Champaign.
I hate this new lifestyle, where you're up early in the morning and when you come home, there isn't time to breathe. It's straight to chaining yourself until night falls, and then you do the routine all over again. I miss my 10 am classes where I'd come home by 2 pm and have a chance to eat something that I cooked, have a chance to check my email and respond immediately, have a chance to get a lot of reading done - all at once!
But the thing I miss the MOST about undergrad? There's this constant pulsation of life. You know that no matter what is going on, what day it is, what time it is - there's always someone there. Someone's awake. Sometimes, the bells ring here at school, and it reminds me of the nights I'd lay in bed and smile to myself when I could hear the Altgeld bells. It was a time when falling asleep was so easy and felt so good. And now when I hear the bells? I just feel empty. Like something's missing.
Have you ever felt that you're a dot on a really big piece of paper? Someone could just walk by and brush you off and no one would really notice. I mean, the person with OCD would see that the paper got a little neater, but otherwise, no one really cares. That's how I feel about me, my life. I'm just a blip on the page, and if I was gone, no one would really take note of it.
Okay, now, don't start thinking I'm suicidal or anything, because I'm not. And I know really deep down that it's not true. I know that my mom thinks of me every day, and my sister misses me a lot. Tonight, when I called, she immediately asked if something was wrong. She could tell that something was a little off. I know that my mama takes a lot of pride in me, more than I ever realized, and I know my kiddies really love me when the rare chance comes for me to spend time with them. Maybe there's more people too - I can think of a few additional.
But sometimes, all you need is that hug and someone telling you that they needed you. Or an email showing that your wake up calls are appreciated. Or a phone call telling you that you're loved and missed. I don't know if I'm needy or that this is just a hard adjustment period, but I feel as though I need them more than I ever have.
Ever since I was in high school, I always had this need to keep a bravado up. I didn't cry in front of anyone, and the few times I did, I would my face so you couldn't really see me. If I fought with my parents, I pretended everything was fine. Keep smiling, and if anyone asks, tell them everything's good. I've been doing this for years now, and it's really starting to tear me up inside. It's come to a point now that even when a slight thing is wrong, I don't say anything. It's better to pretend that everything's well and dandy than admit that there's something going on. Because I'm strong, right? I don't need anyone. I should be able to take care of myself, and I will take care of myself. Independence. That's what it's all about.
But I'm starting to think that I can't do this anymore. I need to be around the people I love more often than I can right now. I need someone to tell me that I matter to them. It's the first time that I've actually came out and said it. But now I'm at a loss. I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to bring the party down when we're all having a good time. What do I do now - tell everyone, drop everything, because I could sure use some good ol' fashioned TLC? Where is the line between being selfless and selfish?
I don't even know where to go from here - the tears are flowing and my head is aching, but they say that can be therapeutic. Maybe what I need is to be totally exhausted, emotionally. Anne said that it was soothing, and I love her. Always have and always will - she's a big source of comfort to me.
I'm so lost. I wish I could be found.
Ha, maybe I need to accept Jesus in my life. :-P
I don't know what to do anymore.
The dean and I were talking, and I was commenting on how intimidating it is to be around my classmates so much of the time. They all come to class on time, even if they're driving from a bazillion miles away, whereas I roll out of bed and am there in five minutes. They're all set to go, with their cups of coffee and multiple colors of highlighter, something I told myself I wouldn't fall to but I have. They just seem so put together and confident. It's frightening. But she told me that don't believe all that you see.
I know there isn't anyone that completely happy. You may have achieved great things in your life - being the first in your family to graduate from college, supporting everyone in the extended family, but you end up sitting at home everyday by yourself with nothing to do. You may have been getting good grades all this time but still panic when there's a quiz coming up. You might be really well behaved but no one really pays attention to you because your sister demands it. You might be living in the city with a good job but have to take lame standardized tests and fill out boring applications with your profession on the line. You might have enough money to buy a BMW but your parents drive you up the wall about petty details and superhero abilities that you don't have.
But I remember a time where I was very happy. Very content. And I'm wondering what I can do to get it back.
I got so lonely tonight that the idea of calling Yaveen passed through my mind. Yaveen. That's right. It was a passing fancy. But the fact that it even crossed my thoughts shows how isolated I feel.
The patient's subjective point of view has been presented. Upon an objective examination, we have made an assessment. The diagnosis of loneliness has been made.
But now what?
What can you prescribe for me?
I'm talking to Monkey Ulysses S Grant. And I did something out of character. When she asked how medical school was, I told her I was unhappy. And she told me I could do it. It feels weird to do this. To actually reach out and talk to someone as opposed to waiting to be spoken to; to tell someone and receive pity. Some parts of it I don't like.
But maybe trying something new, something that I usually don't do, is what the doctor ordered.
I've gotten a lot off my chest, but I still have much on my mind. Look at how long this has gotten.
One time, I spilled everything to Shady Bubbles. In response, his comment was:
"How do you fit all that in your head? I can't even get my Arabic homework done."
So now what?
I'm exhausted.
Maybe this is what I needed.
For now. And until next time . . .
Kavi out.
I have this class called History of Medicine. It's a joke and it's garbage. The grade is pass/fail and dependent soley on a paper we write. No attendance for class, no quizzes, no exams - just a paper that someone may or may not read, but in case the bigshot does read it, it has to be decent.
I finished the research already, and I started writing it. Before I started writing, I color coded my notes and set up the order in which I would discuss my topic. The introduction was blue, the education was green, the Civil War was yellow . . . it just made sense to go through all the material once so it would be easier to write everything up. And it worked! I wrote up a page, handwritten, in about 25 minutes. Not bad.
And I wish this post could be like that. Where all the pieces fall together and make sense, where it flows harmoniously. Unfortunately, my life is more like that paper you throw together the night before, exactly what I'm trying to avoid to do. You have all these details, but they're all scattered about, and all you're doing is frantically trying to put them together in a way that makes sense, but no matter how hard you try, you end up exhausted and the product is a disaster.
That's a horrible way to think of your life.
I've been searching and searching, and I finally discovered why I've been so unhappy. Ready?
*drumroll*
I'm lonely.
That's profound. I'm here in Downers Grove, and I hate it. HATE IT. I thought coming to medical school would be this whole new phase in life where I would be so content, but I'm so far from that, it's not even funny.
I never thought I would say it, due to so many people ruining my senior year. But I miss undergrad so much that it hurts some time. I really do. I miss having an apartment, where your bed is big! Where more than one person can fit in it as opposed to smooshing together so you don't fall off. I miss having a couch where you can take naps. I miss my kitchen - good lord, I miss my kitchen. I miss the big bathtub. I miss the ability to walk across a few feet of floor and find someone to talk to, even if you were interrupting something important.
I miss running upstairs to get things that I forgot to pick up at Meijer. I miss through the alley to borrow a pair of earrings. I miss running across the street to find someone that could make me laugh when I thought I'd never stop crying. I miss the 22 that would take me to the Quad. I miss cutting through Loomis to warm up my hands before I continued walking to the Union.
I miss the crispy tofu, and I miss my crispy tofu girls. I miss the Taco Bell runs. I miss that no matter what time the clock said, there was something open. I miss the late nights at Lincoln Hall, yelling counts. I miss the gas prices. Even though they're dropping here, I know in the back of my mind that it's cheaper in Champaign.
I hate this new lifestyle, where you're up early in the morning and when you come home, there isn't time to breathe. It's straight to chaining yourself until night falls, and then you do the routine all over again. I miss my 10 am classes where I'd come home by 2 pm and have a chance to eat something that I cooked, have a chance to check my email and respond immediately, have a chance to get a lot of reading done - all at once!
But the thing I miss the MOST about undergrad? There's this constant pulsation of life. You know that no matter what is going on, what day it is, what time it is - there's always someone there. Someone's awake. Sometimes, the bells ring here at school, and it reminds me of the nights I'd lay in bed and smile to myself when I could hear the Altgeld bells. It was a time when falling asleep was so easy and felt so good. And now when I hear the bells? I just feel empty. Like something's missing.
Have you ever felt that you're a dot on a really big piece of paper? Someone could just walk by and brush you off and no one would really notice. I mean, the person with OCD would see that the paper got a little neater, but otherwise, no one really cares. That's how I feel about me, my life. I'm just a blip on the page, and if I was gone, no one would really take note of it.
Okay, now, don't start thinking I'm suicidal or anything, because I'm not. And I know really deep down that it's not true. I know that my mom thinks of me every day, and my sister misses me a lot. Tonight, when I called, she immediately asked if something was wrong. She could tell that something was a little off. I know that my mama takes a lot of pride in me, more than I ever realized, and I know my kiddies really love me when the rare chance comes for me to spend time with them. Maybe there's more people too - I can think of a few additional.
But sometimes, all you need is that hug and someone telling you that they needed you. Or an email showing that your wake up calls are appreciated. Or a phone call telling you that you're loved and missed. I don't know if I'm needy or that this is just a hard adjustment period, but I feel as though I need them more than I ever have.
Ever since I was in high school, I always had this need to keep a bravado up. I didn't cry in front of anyone, and the few times I did, I would my face so you couldn't really see me. If I fought with my parents, I pretended everything was fine. Keep smiling, and if anyone asks, tell them everything's good. I've been doing this for years now, and it's really starting to tear me up inside. It's come to a point now that even when a slight thing is wrong, I don't say anything. It's better to pretend that everything's well and dandy than admit that there's something going on. Because I'm strong, right? I don't need anyone. I should be able to take care of myself, and I will take care of myself. Independence. That's what it's all about.
But I'm starting to think that I can't do this anymore. I need to be around the people I love more often than I can right now. I need someone to tell me that I matter to them. It's the first time that I've actually came out and said it. But now I'm at a loss. I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to bring the party down when we're all having a good time. What do I do now - tell everyone, drop everything, because I could sure use some good ol' fashioned TLC? Where is the line between being selfless and selfish?
I don't even know where to go from here - the tears are flowing and my head is aching, but they say that can be therapeutic. Maybe what I need is to be totally exhausted, emotionally. Anne said that it was soothing, and I love her. Always have and always will - she's a big source of comfort to me.
I'm so lost. I wish I could be found.
Ha, maybe I need to accept Jesus in my life. :-P
I don't know what to do anymore.
The dean and I were talking, and I was commenting on how intimidating it is to be around my classmates so much of the time. They all come to class on time, even if they're driving from a bazillion miles away, whereas I roll out of bed and am there in five minutes. They're all set to go, with their cups of coffee and multiple colors of highlighter, something I told myself I wouldn't fall to but I have. They just seem so put together and confident. It's frightening. But she told me that don't believe all that you see.
I know there isn't anyone that completely happy. You may have achieved great things in your life - being the first in your family to graduate from college, supporting everyone in the extended family, but you end up sitting at home everyday by yourself with nothing to do. You may have been getting good grades all this time but still panic when there's a quiz coming up. You might be really well behaved but no one really pays attention to you because your sister demands it. You might be living in the city with a good job but have to take lame standardized tests and fill out boring applications with your profession on the line. You might have enough money to buy a BMW but your parents drive you up the wall about petty details and superhero abilities that you don't have.
But I remember a time where I was very happy. Very content. And I'm wondering what I can do to get it back.
I got so lonely tonight that the idea of calling Yaveen passed through my mind. Yaveen. That's right. It was a passing fancy. But the fact that it even crossed my thoughts shows how isolated I feel.
The patient's subjective point of view has been presented. Upon an objective examination, we have made an assessment. The diagnosis of loneliness has been made.
But now what?
What can you prescribe for me?
I'm talking to Monkey Ulysses S Grant. And I did something out of character. When she asked how medical school was, I told her I was unhappy. And she told me I could do it. It feels weird to do this. To actually reach out and talk to someone as opposed to waiting to be spoken to; to tell someone and receive pity. Some parts of it I don't like.
But maybe trying something new, something that I usually don't do, is what the doctor ordered.
I've gotten a lot off my chest, but I still have much on my mind. Look at how long this has gotten.
One time, I spilled everything to Shady Bubbles. In response, his comment was:
"How do you fit all that in your head? I can't even get my Arabic homework done."
So now what?
I'm exhausted.
Maybe this is what I needed.
For now. And until next time . . .
Kavi out.
posted by Kavi at
1:03:00 AM
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